I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
