Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
