Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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