I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
