I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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