you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
