Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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