After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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