drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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