Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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