There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
