wrigley field is MILF paradise
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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