Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
