you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
