im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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