Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
