I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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