and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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