I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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