Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Randomize
