my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
