i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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