btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
