i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
