Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
