Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.