What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
