ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
