My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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