did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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