half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
