You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
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I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
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BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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