We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He passed out mid-signature
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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