God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
