Texts From Last Night

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  (619): View more from California

  Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.

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  (619): Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage. http://tfl.nu/jxfh
  Replies (13) Good night (1027) Bad night (777)
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  (254): View more from Texas

  my sisters under your porch take her home

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  (254): my sisters under your porch take her home http://tfl.nu/rfs3
  Replies (10) Good night (4806) Bad night (1095)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.

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  (617): She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her. http://tfl.nu/25nb
  Replies (123) Good night (1141) Bad night (4630)
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?

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  (859): Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night? http://tfl.nu/rh55
  Replies (8) Good night (3190) Bad night (812)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.

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  (570): My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend. http://tfl.nu/7sdv
  Replies (58) Good night (6115) Bad night (858)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break

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  (214): She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break http://tfl.nu/bh5f
  Replies (8) Good night (1267) Bad night (3978)
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.

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  (217): I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel. http://tfl.nu/8hwr
  Replies (5) Good night (2250) Bad night (835)
• Favorite

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30

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  (763): chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30 http://tfl.nu/6e6v
  Replies (4) Good night (2133) Bad night (978)
• Favorite

  (912): View more from Georgia

  She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.

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  (912): She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone. http://tfl.nu/cxjj
  Replies (33) Good night (1159) Bad night (4397)
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  (646): View more from New York

  I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?

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  (646): I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10? http://tfl.nu/6lgd
  Replies (9) Good night (1618) Bad night (1247)
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.

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  (205): Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight. http://tfl.nu/1hhy
  Replies (11) Good night (2710) Bad night (571)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.

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  (717): I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that. http://tfl.nu/2l8e
  Replies (5) Good night (638) Bad night (570)
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma

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  (920): I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma http://tfl.nu/6gw3
  Replies (5) Good night (641) Bad night (335)
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.

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  (707): He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro. http://tfl.nu/sp67
  Replies (3) Good night (780) Bad night (279)
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.

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  (913): He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk. http://tfl.nu/r25m
  Replies (0) Good night (438) Bad night (195)

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