soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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