Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
