I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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