bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
