the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
