My liver just broke up with me...
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
