they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
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