I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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