You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
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