i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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