I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
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