Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize