the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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