don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I believe in your delicious
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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