it was like his penis was on wheels.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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