Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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