Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i wish my penis had a tongue
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
