3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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