im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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