And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
